How is high conflict couples therapy different?
High conflict couples therapy is different from couples therapy. High conflict couples have different needs compared to other relationships with less frequent or severe conflict. It’s important to know the difference so that you can get the help you need, and make sure your therapist can work with you and your partner effectively.
Are you in a high conflict relationship?
Your relationship may be high conflict if you find yourself starting up quickly, bickering frequently, or storming out of a room during fights. Many high conflict couples spend less time together to avoid big fights and when they do come together, simmering tension erupts into a full blown battle.
High conflict couples often have some of the following co-occurring issues: trauma, substance abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, emotional flooding, anger management, impulsive behavior, severe or persistent mental health disorders. High conflict couples can engage in manipulative or abusive behavior, such as name-calling, physical fights, or threats to themselves or others, however their actions stem from impulse, rather than intention.
High conflict couples have two way conflict, where both parties start or contribute to an escalating fight, and do not physically threaten each other (although they may end up getting physical with each other). There is a sense of safety in the relationship when they are not fighting that both parties know that the other person would never seek to do them harm.
The difference between high conflict and abuse
High conflict relationships have an important distinction from full-blown abusive relationships, which function through an imbalanced power dynamic. A power imbalance involves one person controlling the other through covert or overt manipulation or threats–you may be able to see or sense it, although others may not. It could happen through controlling who you see, cutting off your support system and your access to resources, so that you are trapped in a relationship with this person, with no way out. One person is deliberately seeking to dominate, intimidate or control the other.
If you regularly feel afraid of your partner or believe your life may be in danger if you speak up, please seek immediate help–high conflict couples therapy would be unsafe and cannot help your relationship. If you feel safe talking to your partner or airing your grievances in couples therapy, high conflict couples therapy could potentially help. Your safety and well-being are the top priority–always put your safety first.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) is a valuable resource for individuals who suspect their relationship might be abusive and need assistance.
High conflict relationships have different needs
High conflict couples tend to fight more frequently, more severely and can damage their relationship more quickly without immediate help. People in a high conflict relationship can often feel shamed in couples therapy when they don’t work with a high conflict couples therapist. High conflict couples need a combination of direction, guidance, firm boundaries, deep compassion, and skillful support.
Many high conflict couples are afraid to tell their couples therapist how bad their fights can get. They are aware of how extreme their fights can be and are often ashamed of their actions. They are embarrassed to admit that they are still together and keep coming back to each other, no matter how poorly they’ve treated their partner or been treated. These couples need a safe space to talk about what happens during their fights and how bad they can get, in order to clearly see what their issues are,so that they get help with them.
What does high conflict couples therapy look like?
High conflict couples therapy requires therapists to be more direct in their approach and to actively manage the session. Your therapist is more likely to interrupt you early and often, in an effort to help you and your partner regulate your emotions before discussions become too heightened to be easily recovered.
Some high conflict couples therapists may let you fight without interruption if you and your partner continue to talk over the therapist. Therapists cannot and do not control clients who don’t want to participate in therapy by ignoring their therapist, controlling the session, or refusing to do therapy. Some therapists may stop you often and overmanage the session.
There is a balance between letting the couple guide the session and the therapist guiding the session. Too much guidance results in underfunctioning relationships where couples don’t learn to manage themselves and each other. Too little guidance, and the fighting couple will run every attempt at therapy off the road and everyone will leave feeling frustrated.
Instead of making rules in therapy about what can be said and how couples must communicate, high conflict couples therapy addressed the feelings underneath out of control behaviors. Making rules can create shame and lead to dropout in therapy, as well as ineffective therapy. It’s not rules that are needed–it’s emotion regulation and non-shaming support.
Therapy for high conflict couples could involve shorter sessions or longer sessions meeting more frequently. Some couple therapists stand by shorter, more frequent sessions, for example, meeting twice a week for 50 minutes. I myself prefer to meet with high conflict couples for 1.5-2 hours on a weekly basis. Regardless of the session length, high conflict couples therapy typically asks couples to meet more frequently and for a longer time in therapy.
High conflict couples typically need to stay in therapy longer due to their increased need with help in conflict de-escalation and trauma treatment. High conflict couples therapy is more likely to take years than months, and often requires additional treatment for one or both partners in individual therapy.
Find a high conflict couples therapist
Most couple therapists are not trained to work with high conflict couples and/or do not specialize in seeing them, so they have not developed the skills needed to help high conflict couples. Sometimes these therapists become so frustrated with the high conflict couple that they refer the couple out, inadvertently shame them, or tell one or both parties that they should break up or get divorced.
High conflict couples can cause so many emotions to come up in the therapist which causes the therapist to get very frustrated, feel hopeless, and become silent or kick the couple out of therapy. Therapists are more likely to take sides with a partner in high conflict couples therapy, which is bad for both partners and results in ineffective therapy. These situations are harmful both to the therapist and the couple.
That is why it is important for couples to identify if their relationship is high conflict or not, and to seek out a therapist who specializes in working with high conflict couples. Couples should look for therapists who specialize in couples work, have training in couples specific therapy modalities, and ideally, for therapists who identify themselves as high conflict couple therapists.
If you are already seeing a therapist, you can ask your therapist for a referral specifically for high conflict couples therapy. If you are searching on your own, you should be honest with whomever you reach out to about the nature of your conflict, so that the therapist can let you know if they will be able to help you. Since high conflict couples therapy requires additional training and experience, you should also look for a therapist who is fully licensed and with years of experience working with couples and high conflict couples.
In Summary
High conflict couples therapy is best with a high conflict couples therapist, who can help the couple de-escalate their conflict and discuss it openly, in a non-shaming and compassionate way. High conflict couples therapy begins with honest confrontation of the nature of the conflict between the couple and with a focus on conflict de-escalation, so that the couple can dive underneath their explosive fights into the deeper issues causing things to get out of hand. An experienced couples therapist with a focus on high conflict couples can help.
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